2010: A Summary Odyssey

Well, my friends, another year is passing. This was an intense year. I've definitely grown and matured a lot. Learned a lot about the nature of People (not magazine) and of myself.

I've acquired more social skills and hope to put them into practice next year! I'm excited for next semester, as I feel like the mess I made of this past one need

s to be seriously cleaned up.

I've made a lot of really awesome friends in Austin, and got rid of some nasty ones in other places. I've drifted away from others, but that's difficult to help from only one end. But I actually hope to see a lot of them at the New Years Eve party tonight.

In lieu of a resolution list (which does nothing for me) I'll just list what needs to be done by the end of this winter break.

*Wisdom teeth eXtraction (happening Jan 5th)

*Buy novels I've been meaning to read at HalfPriceBooks

*Change my schedule to include a research period, or at least make sure that that's possible

*Buy book on Psy programs at different schools

*Start working out

*Bake/cook more

*Watch the original Star Wars series (IV, V, VI)

Oh! And my latest obsession has been tumblr. Here's mine: http://rrrpe.tumblr.com/

Let me know if you don't have a life, and have one, too!

Have a good New Years! I hope many .gifs of computer animated dancing babies find their way to you.

UA9

There is a building across the street from the building I live in. It's called the UA9 building. It's where some graduate students are allowed to conduct research and station their t.a. offices. It's also one of the creepiest buildings I've ever been in.

First of all, it USED to be a small motel, and not exactly a 5-star place when it was alive and well, I can imagine. But it's been neglected and is in even worse shape than it ever was. Probably.

I had to participate in a study to get credit for one of my classes, and when I couldn't find the building, I asked a couple staff people who were talking if they knew where this UA9 building was. One of them pointed behind me and said "It's that ugly building over there. The entrance is around the corner." I hadn't found it because I didn't think it was a functioning building.

When I got to the entrance I saw an Indian guy drinking coffee in casual clothes and looking at a mangy cat nearby. I got to a door that explained the set up of this place and apologizing for it being so creepy. And it was. I had to go up the stairs which was tucked away in the back part of the building. When I approached, a crow was flying around the doorway and almost hit me on its quest to escape the ceiling. There were spider webs and all kinds of grody things. As I got to the third landing and walking in, I looked to me left and saw three pidgeons huddled together on an old water fountain. They flew away as I approached.

The study was simple enough. But as I left, I was able to get up close to the cat I'd seen earlier. It was really in worse shape than I first thought. First, I'm pretty sure it's deaf, and blind in at least one eye. As I approached, it didn't turn toward me until I was inches away. Its nose was drippy, one eye was squinted, and one of its ears was missing its top half. But it was endearing. I wanted to pet it, but I freaked myself out and thought it would bite off my finger or something.

I still want a kitty

Pretty Much

Fiona Apple - "Not About Love" from Michael Blieden on Vimeo.

The early cars

Already are

Drawing deep breaths past my door

And last night's phrases

Sick with lack of basis

Are still writhing on my floor

The lyrics to this song are amazing and so well written. I feel like an idiot for discovering Fiona Apple so late.

The Cake is a Liar

In the cafeteria today, they had a dessert I was initially disappointed by. It was just bald yellow cake with powdered sugar. But, being the glutton I am, I had a piece. It was delicious. Easily one of the best in the past two weeks.

Sometimes you need that real, familiar ease of yellow cake. It doesn't try to look all fancy and entice you with gimmicks or showy fluff. It's there. And if you're smart, you know it's good.

I feel like that can be applied to lots of things outside desserts.

Homeless

It's amazing how quickly I can regress to old habits.

I'm growing very tired of school. There's so much on my plate this semester. Too much. It makes it difficult to focus on any one thing.

So many times a week, I wish we lived in Soviet Russia. There, you were given a job assessed to fit your abilities. Here, no one is able to give me any straight answers or even sound advice. Everything is circumstantial. The real problem: It's 2010. We live in the future, and yet, no one has invented a retro-style television with knobs that show what will be. WHERE IS THE FUNDING?!

Past Due

7:23am. I roll out of bed. I make a note that this is the first time I've woken up without swearing to drop this class. I take too long to get ready but it doesn't matter;he doesn't take roll. And with a class of 300, I will go unnoticed. I grab one snack sized apple sauce, peel off the tin top and gulp it down while I wait for the elevator, hoping outside is much warmer than this building. It's not.

I shiver my way to class. It's a fairly long walk compared to my other classes. Takes about 10 minutes. The bell tower dongs 8 times when I'm only halfway there. I don't speed up.

On a whim, I decide to sit on the other side of the lecture hall than I normally do, in the back-most row. After a few seconds, everyone forgets I walked in. After a few minutes of lecture, I forget why I walked in.

I hear the back doors behind me and to my right, open. Another straggler. I wouldn't have looked at the girl and guy who'd just rushed in if it wasn't for my professor. "Who are you kids running away from?" he asked jokingly. Everyone looks at them. They're pale and visibly winded. They seem absolutely dumbstruck by the number of people looking at them. They seem to have had no idea what was behind the doors they'd just opened.

They don't answer my professor. They just look around the room and at each other, taking deep breaths. "What are you on the run from? Who was chasing you?" he asks again, with a smile, but apparently, they had been pushed into the room by someone, and the professor saw that. The boy speaks, "We heard shots outside."

"Oh. Really?"

They eventually explain how they heard shots and saw a guy with a black ski mask and hood over a suit holding a big something tightly under his shoulder. When they ran past him, he waved to them.

What followed can be found by any news source; 19 year old sophomore and math major Colton Tooley, brandishing an AK-47, went up the stairwell of The University of Texas' main library, the PCL, and shot himself in the head on the 6th floor.

My classroom is on the first floor of the building right next door to that library. It took until 10:30am for them to let us out of class. I went straight to my dorm's cafeteria and had one of the more dramatic stories of that morning among my friends. Naturally, it was the only thing anyone could talk about.

As my friend Molly pointed out, it doesn't seem like he went out with the intention of killing anyone. He fired a few rounds into the air, but that's it. No one came forward to say he made any threats, or even pointed the gun at anyone except himself. It was intended to be a suicide (and only a suicide) from the get-go. Just a showy and elaborate one.

The real interesting thing was the amount of misinformation. I heard people claim he'd shot anywhere from 7 to 27 people. There were reports of a second gunman in a dark navy suit, which turned out to be people remembering his suit color wrong.

But the incident's been pretty much forgotten. To be honest, it's weird to think that that happened just last Tuesday. Not even a week ago. It seems like it happened last month.

I just wanted to document my experience because, although it's been labeled as 'old news' to most people, it's an event that should be remembered.

P.S. I set my alarms to weird times. That makes it harder for me to calculate how much time I could get away with if I slept in, so I'll get up. It doesn't work.

You'll Have My Bow. And MY Sweater.

I really can't wait for fall. I feel like my mood these days needs to be echoed by crisp, chill air. I want to wear hats and scarves again. I want to guard myself against the cold and win. I think that's the closest I'll ever come to a real battle. I should sing or hum war hymns as I flip my scarf back or stretch my leather gloves firmly onto my fingers. Then I could go "If I don't make it back, tell my family I loved them." Then my roommate could be like

"....................................................................................................................."

I Keep Forgetting To Buy A Mug

So I'm back in Austin now. No roommate yet, although she did come earlier and put some of her more necessary items in, like a filing cabinet. I'd say that's pretty necessitated...if you're majoring in being BORING. SLAM-O!

I'm kidding, I'm sure she's lovely. She seems very organized. I hope I don't annoy her with my half-hearted attempts to keep up my organization skillz.

Today was pretty ________.

To orchestrate my laziness I picked out 14 items of clothing to try on in this shop today. You can only take in 10 at a time into the fitting room. When I realized I'd have to take two trips, I looked longingly at the pretty green skirt I left behind, knowing I'd never touch it again. I did get some tights though. Although the clerk informed me that they were nice FALL colors. I was like 'shit.'

But I found this pretty, white hair bow attached to a shirt I was trying on. It didn't look like it had been in any nasty hair, so I snagged it. I only just remembered I had it, and it really brightened my night for some reason. I don't know why it's making me this happy. I'm probably just going insane.

Last thing that happened was that I completely missed an opportunity to maybe make a new friend. I was in line at Whataburger, waiting for my to-go order, and this other guy who just ordered to-go too stood next to me. So much in common. He was actually wearing a Why So Serious? shirt, and I could've told him that I liked it or something. Oh well. Next time.

poem

I want to play outside again

I want to be a child

I want to look at things with wonder

I want to be beguiled

Not worry about future plans

or imminent mistakes

Just listen to leaves rustling

and think about my take

On how the world is very large

and yet, so very small

And after that, my problems

don't seem nearly as tall

Je Regrette TOUT

What to write. Movies? Go.

Saw Inception three times. Don't worry, you don't really glean any more insight into the film the third time than you do the first, unless you weren't really paying attention the first time. But I was, so. All it really did was confirm that Joseph Gordon-Levitt is, in fact, delicious (as well as the rest of the cast) and his zero gravity fight scene is one of my favorites of all time.

A Single Man is a great movie. I found it a little slow at the beginning. Well, not a little. Quite a bit. And the last shot of the movie also seemed to linger too much. I could've just been being impatient, though. But aside from that, the movie is great. Very stylishly simple yet nonetheless effective, which is my favorite type of film making. It's why I still hail No Country For Old Men as a near-perfect movie, and one of my most favorites ever. The lack of dialog works to enhance the emotional impact and amount of personal relevance and relation someone watching one of these types of movies feels. It's very organic.

Watched Chloe, too. And I think I might've liked this a lot more if I was a guy. Almost every other line is an innuendo or outright erotica. If you're a guy, this is your new favorite movie. Amanda Seyfried is gorgeous and you see her naked a lot.

Now, it wasn't a terrible movie. It was pretty interesting. Just very sensual, and a little weird.

I mean, you don't really get any background on Chloe, which, I think, would've helped the movie make a bit more sense. Especially at the end.

Right now, I'm pretty bored. I'm going through my ipod and deleting the repeats I have for some reason. Also, my scrobbler from last.fm was being gay so I deleted it and haven't gotten around to reinstalling it yet. Maybe I'll do that. Sigh.

Lets Get Crafty

Today was a good haul.

Got these awesome leather, oxford style ankle boots. They're amazing. I am in love with them. I have a picture that I saved a while back of some that I loved, and the ones I found today look similar. Only shorter.

I found them in this amazing vintage store in Dallas called Dolly Python. Their jewelry was also gorgeous, but since it's vintage and I only had $40 on me, boots came first. But that place has everything. Literally. One of my friends was this close to buying an antique grenade with the pin still in that the owner wasn't sure was live or not. Then we found another one.

There were also all types of vintage cameras, records, knick-knacks, art, furniture. You feel cool just being inside the store. I just wish we had more time to look around and that I was a billionaire..so frikken' baaadkillmenow.

Monsters with Sleepy-time Tea

I have a somewhat odd way of falling asleep. I only play this game if I'm getting frustrated with my brain because it won't stop talking to itself. What I do is this: I pretend a group of 5 assassins (one for every member of the family) has infiltrated my house and has orders to watch over us while we sleep and to kill anyone who seems awake. And I can be a great actress when I want to be (at sleeping anyway). I remind myself that these assassins are no fools and they know all the tell-tale signs of someone who is REALLY asleep. So I begin to take slower, deeper breaths. My fingers or toes twitch a little, as sleeping people's do, but apart from that, I relax all my muscles to remain completely still. If I do shift, I remember to remain loose and to not particularly care where my arms fall, etc.

I had to use this last night as it was going on 5:30am and that is just ridiculous.

I was asleep within minutes.

You don't always have to suffer for Fashion, Mr. Barnes

Need:

Tank tops (black, grey, etc.)

Solid color skirts (olive green!)

Black tights (I think I have)

Textured tights (anything but fishnets, plz)

Boots (sans rain)

Normal, plain shirts (single colored, white!! v-neck or boat-neck or something-neck)

Necklaces (to liven up the normal, plain shirts)

Colored shorts (patterned, or sold colored light blue, lavender, green, etc. Can find at Target, apparently)

Belts

The idea is to be able to mix and match those shirts with fun colored bottoms. It's subtly stylish and charming and something I'd very much like to add to my wardrobe.

Also, I look mentally ill if I wear my hair like that.

It's not worth it. Speculation and stupid hope. You don't need this. Or him. He's chosen. Time to move on.

So why can't I? Should this process be this cyclical? This is what happens, never fail: I remember something lovely about our time "together." I bask in it and fantasize and remember. Then reality comes back from its hiding place and makes it hurts like nothing concrete ever will. I become hopeless, depressed, listless, self conscious, ashamed. I start to really hate myself. Then I start to really hate him. I fantasize more about petty situations where he realizes what a mistake he's made. This gives me pseudo-confidence and I secretly begin to hope against hope there's still a chance he's already realized and is working on a plan to win me back. So, I go to figure out what he's been up to. Reality comes back and this time, has a bucket of icy water to douse my brain in. I can't think. I can only feel this overdose of concentrated, acid-like emotion pounding through my skull.

But then, suddenly, my brain finally wakes up. It reminds me what a loser this guy was when I was with him and probably, always will be. I remember the things that warned me during the relationship that this guy wasn't good for me. I remember the things I ignored or rationalized away from the perfect image of love I had of him. I remember how tolerant and pathetic I became, and how I don't ever want to be like that again. I see him as he truly is, finally.

After these revelations, I barely think about him. As a test, I suggest to myself to go and look what he's been up to recently, and am unbearably excited by how I don't care enough to find out. I feel like I might be finally over him, when a song comes on that makes me remember the good again.

I guess I'll have to live with these temptations to remember the good times. But I know remembering them is not helpful or wise. It's indulgent. It's moronic. It's teen-ish. Shouldn't I be more in control of myself? Yeah, I should. And to be fair, while the cycle hasn't failed me yet, it's slowing down. I'm optimistic at the moment. And hopefully, when I start to remember the good, my brain's final spurt of logic before the fantasies begin will be to bring me back here to read what I've just written.