It's not worth it. Speculation and stupid hope. You don't need this. Or him. He's chosen. Time to move on.

So why can't I? Should this process be this cyclical? This is what happens, never fail: I remember something lovely about our time "together." I bask in it and fantasize and remember. Then reality comes back from its hiding place and makes it hurts like nothing concrete ever will. I become hopeless, depressed, listless, self conscious, ashamed. I start to really hate myself. Then I start to really hate him. I fantasize more about petty situations where he realizes what a mistake he's made. This gives me pseudo-confidence and I secretly begin to hope against hope there's still a chance he's already realized and is working on a plan to win me back. So, I go to figure out what he's been up to. Reality comes back and this time, has a bucket of icy water to douse my brain in. I can't think. I can only feel this overdose of concentrated, acid-like emotion pounding through my skull.

But then, suddenly, my brain finally wakes up. It reminds me what a loser this guy was when I was with him and probably, always will be. I remember the things that warned me during the relationship that this guy wasn't good for me. I remember the things I ignored or rationalized away from the perfect image of love I had of him. I remember how tolerant and pathetic I became, and how I don't ever want to be like that again. I see him as he truly is, finally.

After these revelations, I barely think about him. As a test, I suggest to myself to go and look what he's been up to recently, and am unbearably excited by how I don't care enough to find out. I feel like I might be finally over him, when a song comes on that makes me remember the good again.

I guess I'll have to live with these temptations to remember the good times. But I know remembering them is not helpful or wise. It's indulgent. It's moronic. It's teen-ish. Shouldn't I be more in control of myself? Yeah, I should. And to be fair, while the cycle hasn't failed me yet, it's slowing down. I'm optimistic at the moment. And hopefully, when I start to remember the good, my brain's final spurt of logic before the fantasies begin will be to bring me back here to read what I've just written.