I've been optimistic way too long here. I've got many worries that have all seemed to peak this morning. I can't seem to find a job, I feel like I'm stifling my creativity by doing this major, I feel stuck, helpless, afraid, and lonely, despite having a really great boyfriend. I don't know what I want anymore but to start over. I want to start everything over.

I feel like I'm doing so many things to distract myself from the fact that I always feel like I'm not doing what I should.

gosh. I'm really liking this guy.

Watching Peter Jackson's first blog on the ongoing production of The Hobbit, made me extremely excited but also kinda down. I should be apart of this. If I were to have any part in making that story come to life, I would be unbelievably happy. I wouldn't be able to wait to get to work and I'd enjoy every minute of it, even through the stressful times. To be a part of something like that would be an experience I'd probably cherish forever, and yet, the people on the crew get to do that everyday for years and years with different movies. It makes me wonder why I couldn't do that as well. Then I remember I'm a junior psychology major with absolutely no experience making movies.

I can't say I've ever had a definitive dream about my future career. For a while when I was a kid, I thought it'd be pretty neat to be an astronaut, and then maybe work at NASA, but I very quickly realized engineering was not my forte. Yet I took THREE engineering classes during high school. I could've been taking film, photography, or art--creative classes that I usually excel at and enjoy immensely. So right now, where I'm at, I feel like I've gotten almost zero practice at doing creative things professionally or even often. And I feel like if I were to switch it up and go with a creative major, I'd be risking SO much. It feels like too much.

I'm scared.